Beyond Chopsticks and Forks: Table Manners, Part 2

More Thoughts on Chinese Table Manners

-by Ming

Fish Heads & Chicken Feet

One of the most interesting parts of getting to know a country is exploring the tastes, smells, and colors of its cuisine. During your time in China, you’ll probably encounter many new dishes and ways of serving them. For example, when Americans visit China, they’re often surprised to be served a chicken with the feet still attached or a fish with the head still on. (This custom derives from an old belief that it’s good luck to serve them whole.) If you don’t want to try a particular food, you should just accept it but then leave the item on your plate, making sure to eat a generous amount of other food that you do like so that your host doesn’t feel as if he/she hasn’t done enough for you.

“Over-ordering” in Restaurants?

I do like the relatively simple style of dining in the States: one main course along with a soup/side dish plus a dessert. Even so, and even though I’ve lived in the U.S. for many years, when having guests for dinner, I still feel compelled to prepare many dishes, following the Chinese custom. When I travel for business and go to dinner with co-workers who are familiar with my tendency to over-order, they still remind me to not over-order!

Drinking Alcohol

Drinking customs in China and the U.S. differ. For example, Chinese consider it courteous for each person at a gathering to invite a guest to drink with them. As a result, it’s easy for a visitor to end up drinking more than they intended; this is especially important to keep in mind since alcoholic beverages in China are more potent than in the U.S. When my husband and I visit China, we always tell people that we don’t drink much and then just drink teeny sips with each toast. Accept your hosts’ gesture with good humor, and you’ll have a great time.

When participating in a toast in China, you should put the rim of your glass lower than that of the person who is doing the toast to signal respect. You might hear the expression “Ganbei!”--the Chinese equivalent of “Bottoms up!” If you’re being toasted, in addition to saying “Xiexie” (“thank you”), you can gently tap the rim of the table in front of you with the bottom of your glass. If you’re the one doing the toast, your host will be very happy if you stand up to toast them individually—or, better still, walk around the table to stand near them as you give the toast.

Seating Arrangements

Rank and age still play a very important role in Chinese social settings, and seating arrangements signal important things about relationships. The seat facing the main entrance is usually reserved for the most honored person--generally the oldest person or a person with the highest position within the group. If you’re a guest for the first time, take the seat that your host offers.

A Final Word of Advice

Whenever you have a chance to be a guest in China or of a Chinese family anywhere, always be open-minded and arrive with a hearty appetite. The Chinese have had thousands of years to perfect delicious dishes that will both please your taste buds and offer you a culinary adventure unlike those offered anywhere else in the world.

Customs for an American Dinner Party

-by Nancy

Ming’s post (immediately above) describes some of the ways that dining customs differ between the US and China. In this post, I offer a brief description of the customs associated with dinner parties in the U.S.

Once a guest arrives, the host usually offers them a drink, introduces them to the other guests, and then everyone sits in the living room and converses for a few minutes before dinner.

When dinner is ready and guests are invited into the dining room, the host may either direct them to particular seats or suggest that they sit wherever they like. [Note that the chairs at the head and foot of the table are generally used by the hosts.]

When the host sits down and puts their napkin on their lap, the guests do the same. Then, guests serve themselves from the serving dishes on the table and pass the food to the person sitting next to them. Once everyone is served , the host will usually say something like “Shall we begin?” or “Bon appetit” (French for “Good appetite.”), and everyone begins eating. (Note that it’s considered rude to start eating before everyone is served.)

If wine is being served with the dinner, the host will usually pour wine throughout the meal for the guests who want it. Water or ice water is also generally served with the meal. Tea is usually offered at the end of the meal but can also be requested by the guest.

As the dinner progresses, it’s common for the guests to compliment the host about one or more of the dishes and for the host to make sure that the guests have as much as they want to eat.

After everyone has finished eating, the host usually clears the dishes; guests may offer to help. After the table is cleared, the host will probably ask if anyone would like tea or coffee. Note that tea and coffee are often served with milk and sugar for those who prefer to drink it that way. Then, a dessert is usually served.

At the end of the meal, the guests usually thank the host for the dinner, and everyone moves to the living room, where the conversation continues.

The day following the dinner, guests may call, email, or write a note to the host to thank them again for their hospitality.

Beyond Chopsticks and Forks: Table Manners, Part 1

Today's post deals with table manners in China and the U.S. The topic will be continued in our next post.

今天的期刊是关于中国和美国的台礼。 此题 在下期会继续探讨。

Chinese Table Manners 中国的台礼

-by Ming

Chopsticks, anyone?

Chinese people are very skillful with chopsticks, but sometimes when Westerners visit, they find it quite a task to handle the two sticks, let alone use them to pick up small items such as beans or grains of rice. When I first arrived in the States, it felt similarly awkward to use a fork to eat or to use a knife to cut large pieces of food (e.g., meat) rather than lifting the piece to my mouth and using my teeth. Of course, now I know that this is considered rude in the States, but in China, it's considered normal since you can’t use chopsticks to cut some types of food.

谁要筷子吗？

中国人用筷子很有技术。但当西方人探访中国时， 有时觉的很难对付这两根木棍， 更别提去用这两根木棍去笳象豆子或米粒了。 当我刚到美国时， 我也同样觉的用叉子吃饭或用刀切大块食品很不方便， 比如说肉， 而不用牙齿来咬。当然现在我知道用牙来咬在美国是不文明的。 但在中国是很正常的， 因为你不能用筷子来切有些食品。

Plates, Bowls, and Eating Soup 盘子，碗， 和喝汤

In China, plates are used to serve shared (generally stir-fried) dishes, and bowls are used to serve individual portions. Most of the time, rice, the main staple, is served in individual bowls. Soups are also served in individual bowls and are either eaten with a spoon or sipped directly from the bowl. Although in the U.S., it’s not considered good manners to drink directly from the bowl, in China, it's the norm. Also, sipping the soup loudly is considered good manners since it signals to your host that you’re enjoying the soup. In the States, soup is served as a first course, but in China, it’s served as the last.

在中国， 盘子是用来盛菜（一般是抄菜）的， 碗是用来捡菜吃的。通常来说， 米饭是主食， 是盛在各自碗里的。虽然在美国从碗里直接喝汤是不文明的， 在中国却是很正常。 而且， 喝汤带声表示你很喜欢主人做的汤。在美国， 汤先上桌，但在中国， 汤最后上。

Serving Utensils

When you’re in China, you’ll often see people use their individual set of chopsticks to take food from a serving dish. Although more and more young people and business people have adopted the practice of using shared serving spoons instead, you can see many people who still follow the old custom. If a dish is presented and you don’t see a serving spoon, you can politely request a serving spoon to let others know what you prefer, but please don’t get upset if one of your dining companions forgets to use it. When I’m in China and dining with others, I usually use clean chopsticks to serve myself first. (Guests are expected to serve themselves first.) Traditionally, it’s even considered hospitable for a person to use his/her chopsticks to put food into the bowl of a guest. You can decide whether to eat that food or not. Customs change slowly, and sometimes a host’s desire to be welcoming overrides other concerns.

A Multitude of Dishes

In Chinese culture, you’ll always see one dish after another arrive at the table. This aspect of Chinese hospitality might surprise you as an American. However, the custom of serving many (15, 20, or more) dishes is thousands of years old, so accept it graciously and bring a big appetite.

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U.S. Table Manners

-by Nancy

As I think about table manners, two things come to mind:

1. how universal certain elements of hospitality are—e.g., when a host, serving guests first or, when a guest, being willing to try all of the dishes; and

2. how culturally specific other elements of dining etiquette are—e.g., the Chinese custom of slurping soup to show that you enjoy it or the American custom of adding salt or pepper to food, which might strike Chinese as equally impolite.

In preparing this post, I happened to consult Craig Clairborne’s Elements of Etiquette to refresh my memory about certain American customs of more formal dining. Although, as I was growing up, my mother made sure that my siblings and I learned formal dining customs, some of the customs were, like the “good china,” only used on special occasions—weddings, formal dinners, etc. My current sense of good manners is influenced by a general embracing of simplicity.

Recognizing that table manners, like all customs, signify respect for the group to which one belongs—or is visiting—I’d like to recap (with some gentle reminders from Mr. Clairborne) the table manners that I learned as I was growing up. I hope that Chinese visitors to the U.S. will find them helpful.

Instructions I Heard as a Young Child

“Sit up straight. . . Put your napkin on your lap as soon as you sit down. . .Wait until grace is done before you start eating. . . Don’t smack. . . Don’t slurp. . . Don't talk with your mouth full. . .Excuse yourself if you burp. . .Keep your elbows off the table. . . Put your knife on the outside of the fork when you cut. . . Say “please pass the salt”. . .Keep your knife on the rim of your plate after you use it. . .Fold your napkin after you use it (so that others can’t see where you wiped your mouth). . .Don’t interrupt adults’ conversation. . .Don’t twirl your fork in the air. . .Clear the table before having dessert. . .Wait until everyone’s done before you get up. . . Ask to be excused before you get up. . . ”

Instructions I Learned for Formal Dining (e.g., When Attending a Wedding or Business Dinner, or When Hosting a Formal Meal)

“Wait until the host starts putting on his/her napkin before you do . . Use the fork or spoon on the outside first. . . Put a pat of butter on your plate, then tear off a small piece of bread and butter it. . . If you have to leave for a minute, gently lay your napkin to the left of your plate. . . Serve food from the left, beverages from the right. . . Clear from the right. . . Serve the guest first. . . Clear the table before serving dessert.”

As noted in the last post—“Hugs or Handshakes?”—an open and friendly manner can help compensate for any social gaffes that you might make when dining in another culture. When in doubt about how to act in an unfamiliar situation—whether meeting some for the first time, dining, or anything else, the following quote may be a helpful guide:

Good manners may in Seven Words be found: Forget Yourself and think of Those Around

-Arthur Gutterman
(quoted in Elements of Etiquette by Craig Clairborne)

Hugs or Handshakes?

Meeting new people from other countries is exciting, but it can also be very challenging since different cultures have different customs. Handshakes are usually appropriate in China, whether meeting a person for the very first time or the fiftieth time. If you know the person very well. you could also add a pat on the back. In China, unlike the U.S., most people are not used to hugs since hugging is not part of the custom. Also, regardless of their age, parents and children or friends of the same sex, especially women, often hold hands in public. Except for fathers and sons, men don't usually hold hands but might put their arms across each other's shoulders as they walk.

If you're American, you'll probably feel very awkward if a Chinese friend of the same sex tries to hold your hand when you are walking together. What should you do? You either can "do as the Romans do" or kindly tell your friend that you aren't comfortable doing this. I find it notable that now, after living in the States for 20 years, I don't feel as comfortable holding hands with my Chinese friends when I visit China as I used to.

As a native Chinese, I've gotten used to greeting friends and relatives with a hug, and now I enjoy the custom very much. Everyone's preference is different, and over time we all tend to assimilate into the new culture, each of us at our own pace. Some of my Chinese friends who have lived in the States for many years are still not used to hugs and may never be. Consequently, awkward situations have occasionally occurred when I've invited friends over for dinner. To prevent problems, I've simply explained to my husband's family that some of my Chinese friends aren't used to hugging. I've found that communication and accepting each other's cultures and customs are generally the keys to preventing potentially uncomfortable situations.

When you're visiting Chinese friends, to be on the safe side, always shake hands unless you know that hugging is a better alternative. The other person's body language can help you make the right choice in most situations. You'll always get a handshake if you extend a hand towards the person you're meeting.

In addition to shaking hands, some older Chinese like to bow slightly when meeting someone for the first time. You should respond similarly. As in all cultures, customs in China change over time. Bowing isn't currently as common as it was fifty or sixty years ago. And as more and more younger people are exposed to Western culture, they start to learn different customs and accept them. For example, twenty years ago, Chinese couples didn't usually hold hands in public, but now it's natural for young people to hold hands when walking down the street.

When you first meet someone, an easy and universally understood gesture is to offer a friendly smile. Learning a few words in the other person's native language can also help get things off to a good start. Over time, we'll introduce some simple Chinese/English phrases to help you make this gesture of friendship. Until then...

Zaijian! ("Tsai jien"! ) Bye for now!

Ming

相见其他国家的人是令人振奋的，但也可以非常具有挑战性，因为不同的文化有不同的习俗。握手，通常在中国是很正常，无论是第一次与人相见还是相见 了很多次。如果互相之间很熟， 您也可以拍一下对方的肩膀。在中国，不像美国，大多数人不习惯拥抱，因为拥抱不是中国的习俗。此外，不论年龄， 父母与子女之间或同一性别的朋友之间，尤其是女性之间，往往在公共场所谗着手。除了父亲和儿子，男人通常不谗手，但有可能互相搭肩共行。

如果您是美国人，一个中国的同性朋友要搀着您的手， 您可能会觉得很尴尬。您应该怎么办呢？您可以“入乡随属”或好心的告诉您的朋友，您不习惯这样做。我发现在美国生活了近20年后，在我回国的时 候，我也不习 惯与我的中国朋友搀手了。

作 为一个本土的中国人，我已经习惯用拥抱来问候的朋友和亲戚，我很喜欢拥抱的习俗。每个人的偏好是不同的， 随着时间的推移，我们每个人都安照自己的进度来吸收新的文化。我的一些中国朋友在美国住了狠多年，还不习惯拥抱，有可能永远也不会习惯。因此，在我邀请朋 友吃饭的时候，尴 尬的情况也会偶尔发生。以访尴尬，我给我丈夫的家人做些简解， 因为我的一些中国朋友不习惯拥抱。我发现沟通和接受对方的文化和 习俗是防止尴 尬情况的最好的办法。

当您访问中国朋友的时候，握手是最好的礼节，除非你知道对方更喜欢拥抱。在大多数情况下，人们的表 情可以帮您做出准确的选择。在您相见人的时候， 如果您伸出手，您总会得到一个握手。

除了握手，一些老年的中国人相见时喜欢鞠躬。你应该也鞠躬回应。象所有其它的文化，中国的习俗也在随时间而改变。鞠躬不象50或60年前那么普遍了。随着越来越多的年轻的人有机会接触西方文化，他们也开始学习和接受不同的习属。举例来说，二十年前，中国的夫妇，很少在公共场所搀手，但现在的年青人搀手在街上走是十分正常的。

当您第一次和生人见面，一个友好的微笑是最容易和互相理解的见面方试。学几句对方的本土语言，可以帮助您打开一个良好的开端。随着时间的推移，我们将介绍一些简单的中文/英文短语，以帮助您完善友好的表示。到那时...

暂时先说再见！

明

When I was a little girl, I was taught that when meeting an adult for the first time, I should: 1. look the person in the eye, 2. smile and shake his/her hand, and 3. say "How do you do." Over time, the custom has changed a bit (e.g., people generally say "It's nice to meet you" instead of "How do you do"), but I still like shaking someone's hand when I meet them for the first time and appreciate the information that a handshake can convey at any time--information about the other person's intention, character, health, openness, etc. I suppose that that's one reason why the handshake has remained the customary greeting/parting in the U.S. within the business world and why it's appropriate when meeting someone for the first time in other situations within the U.S. as well.

Although nowadays hugs are widely used in social situations, to some people (especially those who grew up in families where members kiss instead of hugging) the custom, though appreciated, may still not seem completely familiar. To these people, the norm is still: shaking hands in formal relationships or when meeting someone for the first time, a kiss on the cheek for a relative or close friend, and a handshake or wave for a casual friend or acquaintance (e.g., neighbor or co-worker). In my case, because of the family I grew up in, and because I spent a dozen years socializing with Latin Americans, for whom I kiss on the cheek is the normal greeting, the custom of hugging is one that I--like Ming--have learned, and come to appreciate, only as an adult. Even though it's common for good friends and relatives to hug, that's not the case in other types of relationships. For example, it would probably be considered inappropriate for people in a business relationship to hug.

In addition to handshakes and hugs, there are many gestures that are used with greetings/partings: the pat on the back, the so-called "fist bump," the kiss on the cheek (for friends), the kiss on the lips (for intimates), etc. And, like everything in life, customs regarding these gestures are evolving. But that's not all: customs regarding gestures used with greetings and partings (e.g., hugs and handshakes) don't just vary from person to person; they also vary with regard to other factors such as the relative age of the two speakers, their genders, the setting where the people encounter each other, etc.

With all of the variables involved in understanding the customs of another country, it's sometimes hard to know the right thing to do. However, with time and exposure, you'll learn, and grow familiar with, the customs of the groups you associate with. Meanwhile, keep the information above in mind, and--as Ming suggested--remember that a smile and a gesture of respect and friendship can create a reservoir of understanding and trust that you can draw on even when you unintentionally violate any custom.

Bye for now. (Zaijian.)

Nancy

当 我还是一个小女孩，在和成人第一次相遇时，我应采取下列措施： 1 。看着对方的眼睛， 2 。微笑和握手，3 。说“你好吗” 。随着时间的推移，习属已经改变了一点（例如，一般人说： “很高兴见到你” ，而不是“你好吗” ） ，当我与人会面时， 我还是喜欢握手。我喜欢握手时所显示的对方的意图，性格，健康壮态，公开性，等等。我想那也是握手的习惯在美国被一直保持下来的原因之一，不管是在做生意时， 还是在和人第一次相遇。

虽 然今天拥抱是很普遍，有些人（尤其是那些出生在家庭成员用亲吻而不是拥抱的家庭的人）对拥抱的习俗，和亲戚或亲密朋友，在面颊给一个吻。和随便的朋友或熟人握手或挥手（例如，邻居或同士） 。用我打比方，因为我的家庭，我花了十几年与拉丁美洲人社交，在脸颊亲吻是正常的习属。拥抱的习俗，我和明一样是在成人后通过了解来学会欣赏的。即使在相见好朋友和亲戚时用拥抱很正常，在其它场合并非如此。例如，拥抱在业务上会显得不恰当。

除了握手和拥抱，还可以用许多其它的手势来表示问候/告别 ：拍肩，撞拳头， ”吻脸颊（朋友） ，吻嘴唇（亲密的人）等等。就象日常生活，习属表示也在不断变化。但是，还不止这些：有关习属的问候和告别 （例如，拥抱和握手）不仅是各有千秋，也因其它不同的因素影响，比如相对的年龄，性别，相遇的场合，等等。

因为这些因素，有关他国的习属，有时很难知道正确的做法。然而，随着时间和交往，您会学会
，慢慢地熟悉其他人的习属。同时，记住以上的信息， 就象明讲的，微笑和显示出对对方的尊重和友好，可以建成一个了解和信任的湖泊。 既使您在当你无意地伤害了其他人时，您可以从中抽到信任的水源。

再见！

Welcome to US-China Information

As the cultural distance between the U.S. and China "shrinks," and individuals have more opportunities for contact--both in person and through the Internet--differences between customs and expectations remain. Although exposure to another culture can be exciting, occasionally, cultural differences can cause misunderstandings and frustrations that complicate personal or business relationships.

As individuals who have experienced these feelings and gained insights from them, we hope our blog will provide you with useful information.

当中美的文化差距在“缩短”， 人们有更多的机会去交流， 不管是亲身体会还是通过网站交流， 风俗和设想的差距仍然存在。 虽然接触另种文化很兴奋， 但偶而文化的差距会引起个人和企业之间的误解和不快。

我们经历过这些挫折， 从中得到了见解，以此希望我们的 blog 会给您提拱有用的信息。

-Ming & Nancy